The reason

Frustration from ruminating on my futility is cause for my tics. Memories invade my mind to recapitulate, seemingly in order to find additional meaning, however, I instead find faults in my logic in retrospect, too late to recover, make amends, or redeem myself. I’ve grown to stop trying, try to stop caring, care to forget. However, I fail when I forget to stop trying and then I care and remember. Mostly, the memory will arise (based on a trigger stimulus of varying media) once, I’ll process and briefly react angrily, then I’ll be back. Sometimes, though, a memory will be so ingrained in my body movements that every time I carry out that movement, the memory is relived and pain is experienced. I have post-traumatic-stress-disorder from living a life fully rife with stress from birth. I care not to divulge the details here at this moment. I have considered suicide for the past eleven years now. I’ve wanted and been denied therapy by neglectful parents. I sought it in the Institute; it helped temporarily, but what I know now is that my experiences and reality compared to hope mean that I will continue to struggle with this burden while most others are luckily bereft. I self-medicate, not purely to achieve an altered consciousness, but, one could argue that when ailments are ameliorated, one’s consciousness is indirectly affected positively. The medication is neuro-protective and my aim is neuro-regeneration. Some compounds have the ability to help the brain help itself. Those compounds are my bag, baby.


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